2nd Wilderness

So many thoughts went through my mind about the CWBS – SOS. I felt that there are so much for me to pray about and ponder about.

These are the points that really struck my heart:

1. To grow into a mature believer – the older we are as believer, the more fervent we are for the Lord. We need to balance our love relationship and our ministering to others. Honestly, this is a tough balance. It is really the love relationship that we have that compels us to give.

2. 2nd wilderness – I have been through this a few years ago. The experience was really tough, heartbreaking and painful. To go through it again, it is quite daunting. Out of that experience, the pride and the aloof attitudes were very much dealt with and I am still learning it everyday. It was a very “broken” experience on the inside. Out of it, I depended on God for everything. During my pregnancy, there were lots of concern, I prayed like crazy. Anything and everything that I am uncertain of, I pray and talk to God about it.

During the whole SOS, I kept remembering this moment in SOT that Pastor Mike Connell spoke over my life. I can’t remember the exact words, but it is something like this –  You have seen many great men and women before you. They have come and go. You asked yourself if you can do it since they who were before you did not. God will use you in a great way. He has placed a seed of greatness in you. Stay faithful.

When I came on staff, I wanted to be a ZS. To come on as a zone secretary was only a “stepping stone”. Years passed by and the desire died within me. There were new directions that was given to me and it has been the greatest privilege in my life. There were many adventures that I took. There also came a time that I have to deal with my struggles; it was manifested in my attitude and character. I changed department again and I have been in admin for the last 3 years. There was still opportunities given to me but I was hasten then cos I was no longer sure of myself or what I wanted. It was a humbling experience for me for the pass few years. Yet I know that it is God’s dealings in my life. No matter how difficult it was or still is, so long He is with me, it is good enough for me.

If you ask me now, do I still want to be a ZS? My answer will be – I will do my best in all that God has given to me. To be or not to be is not important; it has been my greatest privilege of serving in the house of God.

If you ask me if I will ever go out of this office, my answer will be – I have grew up with this organisation and unless God said so, to go, I will stay put “forever”, if I can say that. Doing the same thing “forever”, will I go crazy and find job satisfaction? Prayerfully, I will also grow in position as the organisation grow. If not, I am still happy to be given the privilege to be a “Levite” serving in the house of God.

After the 2nd wilderness, contentment is great joy to be behold. Everything doesn’t matter anymore cos the focus is on God, not just on me or my needs. I will follow Him wherever He leads me. If I need to uproot my family to go, I pray that my heart will be pliable to say “Yes”  without any reservation.

I want to grow in love with Him, grow in capacity spiritually and psychologically. I want to go for the long haul and be an example to my children.